My Red Sox Checklist

I posted this in response to a friend’s status, but I think it needs it’s own thread (and to be expanded a bit). Because I’m about done with all crap I’m hearing and reading this week. So here it is, my Sox rant on what I’d do if I was the new GM.

How To Fix the Red Sox: One fan’s Checklist

‎1) Fire the remainder of the coaching staff, then bring in somebody young, energetic, and from outside the organization to manage it. Then hire a pitching coach who’s physically imposing and not afraid to tell a bunch of lazy Texans to get their shit together. It wouldn’t hurt if he had a big tattoo that said “Pitchcounts Are For Pussies” across his surgically repaired elbow.

2) Let Varitek and Wakefield walk. Thanks for the memories, guys, but it’s time we moved on (and got younger).

3) Convince the Brewers that Kevin Youkilis should be their new first baseman after Fatso Fielder flys the coop for big free agent bucks and hope you can get a decent prospect in return (his contract is reasonable afterall). Then sign some reasonably priced free agent to play third for a year until the kid Middlebrooks is ready to play. Don’t throw big bucks at a stop-gap. That’s how we keep getting into these messes.

4) See if you can unload Jed Lowrie on somebody looking for a cheap second basemen, because that’s really the only way he’s gonna be a starter in the majors (and we’re full up at second). Then go out and find an actual utility infielder who a) doesn’t mind coming off the bench and not playing much, and b) can field more than one position at a better than average level.

5) Offer Big Papi a one year deal at about 10 mil. When he turns it down (and claims to be insulted), let him hit the bricks. We’ll miss his bat, but again, we need to get younger.

6) Re-sign Marco Scutaro with the understanding that he’s got one year left as our starting shortstop and that’s probably it. He’s a good guy to have around, but he’s starting to slip and the kid Iglesias needs to come up for good by year’s end anyway (whether he’s hitting at AAA or not).

7) Suck it up and give Paps his money. It’ll probably hurt down the road, but right now, we have no bullpen without him (and he’s a rare commodity: a closer who continues to get it done after more than 3 seasons). Also, tell Bard, “meh, you had a bad run. Shit happens. We’re not worried.” Cuz we shouldn’t be. The kid’s good.

8) Send Robin Williams to Carl Crawford’s house to reenact the scene from Good Will Hunting. “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault.” He took last year too personally and he needs to be reminded, “we paid you a lot of money because we like you. Just play ball, son, you’ll be okay”.

9) Find a right fielder. Someone. Anyone.

10) And finally, tell Larry Lucchino that you don’t care if he’s your boss, if he ever submarines the players and coaches by leaking horseshit rumors to one of his lackeys at the Globe again, you’ll have drawn and quartered in Kenmore Square before electrocuting his nuts. And Nomar gets to throw the switch.

P.S. – I’d tell all the media guys (print, TV, radio, whatever)… stick to the facts. Write about what actually happens, not about what you ASSUMED happened or you GLEANED happened or you SPECULATE MIGHT have happened. If it’s just your dumbass theory, keep it to yourself, because you, your idiot colleagues, and the moron fans can’t seem to tell the difference between fact and opinion anymore (thanks, Felger, you DOUCHE!).

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