Is It Safe?

By the end of this week, I will have officially had this Live Journal account for two years. It’s had it’s ups and downs over that time, my periods of inactivity usually coinciding with those stretches in my life where I’ve felt particularly unmotivated or borderline depressed. I recently spent some time looking back on all the entries I’ve made and came to the conclusion that while each post is telling in it’s own way, the ones about my friends, my fears and my acting are the ones that make the most interesting reading. This is not surprising given they are probably the only three subjects upon which I can be considered an expert. If nothing else I’ve proven I know jack all about football.

Another somewhat disturbing thing I noticed was that in both years I went into a period of inactivity in the months directly leading into and out of the holiday season. I find it disturbing only because it represents what is clearly a pattern, although to be fair its not a particularly surprising one. I’m not a big fan of “the holidays” for any number of reasons, not the least of which is I don’t have much in the way of family in the area to share them with. I’m also not a fan of the cold, and winter weather seems to have the same effect on me as it does on most people. Namely – it brings me down. I tend not to write much when I’m down, at least not when I’m down for a prolonged stretch. Looking back I see quite a few posts on here that, if looked at as stand alone entries, would paint a picture of a guy who was in a deep depression. But ironically, it’s in those posts that I generally was as far from depressed as could be. When I’m truly feeling down and out of it, I don’t generate the desire to share anything. When I’m feeling upbeat or at least comfortable in life, I tend to get introspective, and sometimes introspective can read as “miserable”. At least that’s how I see it. Others may disagree.

Which brings me to today. While not significant in any earth shattering way, today is at the very least the first day in some time that I’ve decided to actually DO something about my recent and relative anti-social behavior. I’ve dropped some emails to people I haven’t spoken to often enough since Thanksgiving rolled around. I’ve reached out to a few others on Facebook for whatever reason. Hell, I’m posting this, which is my first non-show pimp entry since back in November. I’ve had isolated days these past few months where I’ve felt energized and ready to “bust out” as it were, but the feeling hasn’t sustained. That’s more or less changed over the last week or two. Gearing up for opening night of “Dinner For Several” has been a big part of that, as has the end of the football season (despite it’s heart-crushing outcome. If I were honest with myself I’d admit that I care just a wee bit too much about the fortunes of those forty-nine guys in shoulder pads down Foxboro way. Thank goodness for me I’m not honest with myself.) Spring, while not necessarily close, is on the horizon. I’ve got a trip to Ft. Myers and spring training to look forward to, and before too long we’ll most likely be plowing back into Complete Works for the third (and one would assume, final) time as we attempt to take it to Festival. All of which are more than enough reasons to help me crack this cocoon of isolation I’ve been living in.

There is of course something else, but I’m not really ready to share that just yet.


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