My Porno Moment

There are events in life, no matter how small in scale, which are so surreal they simply must be documented. This is the tale of such an event.

* * * * *

My week was, as usual, hectic. Out every night with little free time to get anything accomplished on the “day-to-day living” check board, I decided to take Thursday off and put some things in order. Groceries were shopped for, bills were paid, and dirty laundry was made clean. And it was this last little task which provided me with an unexpected nugget of time that will no doubt make me snicker for years to come.

It was about one-thirty in the afternoon. Per usual on a weekday at such time, the apartment building where I live was deserted. As I headed to the basement to retrieve my load of whites from the dryer, I was slightly surprised to find somebody else already there. Somebody who I had never seen before in the three years I have lived there. The reason I’m certain of this is that it is a someone I would have most definitely *not* forgotten. She was about six-feet tall with long blonde hair and a rather well defined figure. The not-quite-big-enough t-shirt and short-shorts made sure to accentuate said figure. And why not? It was a figure worth accentuating.

As I arrived onto the scene, she was standing in front of the dryer next to where my own laundry was housed, staring at her own machine somewhat vacantly, the machine itself sitting silently. Not wanting to waste an opportunity to make a new friend, I gave her my best smile and greeted her with a knowing, “Hi there”. Boom Boom Washington would have been proud. Unfortunately my slick delivery was met with little more than an awkward smile in return. C’est la vie.

I pulled open the door to the dryer and began emptying my piping hot whites into the laundry bag. As I did so, my silent neighbor opened the door of her own machine and then closed it quickly. After a beat, she repeated the move, this time pressing the door shut with a little more force, and at that point it became clear to me that she was confused by the fact the dryer was in fact, not drying. She clearly subscribed to the theory that pushing harder might magically make it go. Before I could offer up a suggestion, she turned to me. Flashing a brighter smile than the one which greeted my arrival, she said to me in what was, at my best guess, a very thick Swedish accent, “Zis vun is bdoken?”

Being the smooth guy I am, I assessed the situation as quickly as possible and reached up to press the “Push to Start” button. Immediately the machine came to life, spinning and tumbling her damp belongings as required. A hint of embarrassment crossed her face as I pointed out that she simply needed to press the button after she’d closed the door. The embarrassment suddenly shifted to a smile of appreciation. And as I returned with a smile of my own, all I could think was the following:

“I’m quite certain this is a set-up to a porno.”

I’m not ashamed to admit that I’ve watched enough adult features in my lifetime to sniff out a contrived sexual set-up when I see one. And this certainly seemed like one. If it holds true to form, this stunning beauty will show her appreciation by throwing me back against the dryer and proceed to fuck me silly while bad jazz music starts playing inexplicably from somewhere in the dark recesses of the building.

Of course, this was real life, not a porno. I know this because rather than getting the spirited laundry room romp that seemed certain to follow, I simply watched as this mysterious Swedish maiden scurried out of the room and off to another part of the building. Alas, it was not meant to be. No naughty Swedish sexy time for me. Packing up the remains of my laundry, I headed up to my own little corner of the building.

I suppose the question on everyone’s mind is, “dumbass, why didn’t you *talk* to her?” The answer is of course, two-fold. One – I am terribly awkward when it comes to women. And two – I’m not sure I could ever have a conversation with this women without constantly thinking “porno, porno, porno”.

Besides. I quite like my little story just as it is. Some memories should stay just as they are.

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