Next up… give me Ira… hairless pets. Weird.

Frankly, I wasn’t going to bother with this one, as I am most certainly not weird. Then a certain somebody issued a challenge by calling me “monkey boy”, so the shit, as they say, is on.

10 Things About Me That Are Weird

1. Ever since age 22, for no reason I can see, the right side of my moustache grows in white.

2. I have slept in the exact same bed since age 12, which means that at age 34 I am still sleeping in a bed built for a child. (I will now cry myself to sleep.)

3. Due to years of collecting baseball cards as a kid, I am now addicted to the idea of collecting “compete sets” of things I own. For instance, if I find a new band I like, I am compelled to purchase all of their albums regardless of whether or not they are any good, and I feel somewhat empty if I fail to do so.

4. I can’t put my finger in my mouth and pop my cheek, despite the fact that (according to George Carlin) “it was required of you just to be an official kid”.

5. I am intensely uncomfortable with the idea of taking a shit in the middle of the day, even if I’m at home. I prefer to do my business either right before going to bed or right before taking a shower.

6. Every now and then I have to fight off an extreme urge to go down to the local toy store and purchase a set of Legos just so I can relive the joy of putting it together for the first time. Likewise, whenever I visit my parents I have to talk myself out of having them ship me all my old Legos (which are stored at their place) because I have no place to put them and would do nothing with them even if they were here.

7. I have never been able to stomach the idea of eating squash based purely on the fact that word “squash” makes me uneasy. I frequently tell people I hate squash even though, in truth, I have never once tried it (nor will I!).

8. Only one time in my life have I ever seen a photograph of myself and thought, “I look good in that photo”. Unfortunately it is a photo of me with someone who broke my heart.

9. I have never broken a bone or had a surgery performed on me. I have only had stitches once in my life and have only been given a prescription medication once (for a gum infection).

10. Whenever I am performing an essentially mundane task, I do a running commentary of my performance in my head as if I were a sports broadcaster. This generally involves me trying to beat an imaginary clock, resulting in such thoughts as: “Ellis is really working the silverware now, but he’s gonna have to step it up on the glassware if he’s gonna get the dishpan empty in time… OHHH! HE DROPPED THE SPONGE! That may prove costly!”

See? Like I said, nothing weird about me.


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