Introducing… Emote-A-Date!

To continue on my human nature tangent, I wanted to postulate some thoughts on this post made by gingerirish.

Have you gone and read it? Good. Now you see, this idea of the light-up dating scorecard intrigues me. Not from any practical sense, mind you, but from the standpoint of… what would MINE say?!?!

My quick profile, first covering the points that GingerIrish offered up…

single, straight, good kisser

She also mentioned that the actual invention involves listing interests, so…

theatre, film, sports, rock music

And taking a stab at the “what ex-girlfriends would say” department, I’d venture to guess something along the lines of…

fears commitment, not as good a kisser as he believes, really hairy

All which paints the portrait of… well… nothing, really. You get no picture at all of what kind of guy I am. This won’t do. We need to break it down further, otherwise we’re not really getting anywhere. I’m also reminded of something once put forward by comedian Rick Reynolds, who when discussing why he hates making small talk with strangers, offered the idea of beginning conversations thusly:

“Hi, Fred, my name’s Rick. What kind of emotional pain are you in, Fred?”

Personally, I’m all for this idea. I hate talking about weather and mainstream news topics. I’d much rather get to know the PERSON. And really, what tells you more about a person than emotional suffering? I mean, are you ever going to get that kind of detail from an online dating questionnaire? Hardly. So if we take some basic personal info, add in a dose of personal pain, and mix in the kind of honesty we might get from someone who knows us really well (such as, an ex-whatever), we get:

Woof’s Emote-A-Date Profile!

10 simple multiple choice questions to help you find that perfect mate without all the guess work! Let’s begin, shall we?

1) My marital status is:
a) I’m single
b) I’m married
c) I used to be married, but I’m not anymore
d) I’m married, but I’d be willing to fool around
e) I’m married, but I’m willing to get a divorce if somebody better comes along
f) I’m single, but I’m so hopelessly hung up on somebody from my past that there’s no chance in hell I’d ever allow anyone new into my emotional inner-circle, although I’m perfectly willing to string you along for the next year
g) I’m single, and it’s been so long since I’ve been in a meaningful relationship, that my next attempt at one is facing a million-to-1 odds of lasting past six months

2) My sexual orientation is:
a) I like men
b) I like women
c) I like men AND women
d) I like women, but only for sex, otherwise I’d just as soon do without them
e) I’m struggling with my sexual identity because I’ve yet to have an enjoyable sexual encounter with a member of the opposite sex, but I don’t really feel “gay” either
f) my self-confidence is so non-existent, I’m pretty much A-Sexual by default
g) I’d rather masturbate than date

[Note: if need-be, change option “d” to: I like men, but only as a security blanket, otherwise I’m way too uptight to ever actually enjoy sex]

3) When it comes to kissing:
a) I’m a good kisser
b) I’m a bad kisser
c) I’m a bad kisser, but I think I’m a good kisser
d) I’m a bad kisser… but I try really hard!
e) I’m a bad kisser, but I’m good in bed
f) I’m a bad kisser, I’m not so hot in bed, and quite frankly, I don’t really enjoy either act
g) I’m a good kisser, but I hate kissing, so don’t expect much of that after the first few dates

4) When it comes to sexual ability:
a) I’m really good in bed
b) I’m really good in bed… at the parts I enjoy
c) I’m really good in bed, but I like it nasty and rough, so don’t expect any love makin’
d) I’m really good in bed on a technical level, but I don’t really enjoy the act itself, so it’ll be emotionally unfulfilling for both of us
f) I’m really good in bed, primarily because I’ve got a fugly body and I need to make up for it with effort
e) I’m bad in bed, but I’ve got a great body, so you probably won’t notice how bad I am
g) I’m not sure if I’m any good in bed, but so far I haven’t had any complaints, and I tend to do a decent amount of repeat business, so I feel okay about my abilities

5) What I’m looking for from a relationship:
a) I want a friend
b) I want someone I can fall in love with
c) I want someone I can get married to and raise a family with
d) I want someone I can bang on occasion, without any real emotional ties
e) I want someone I can keep around and treat like a significant other, that way I won’t be lonely (particularly on holidays), but I don’t want to commit to that person because there’s always the chance someone better will come along
f) I’ve been lonely too long to accurately know what I want
g) Men: I want to date my mother / Women: I want to date an asshole

6) List any personal interests and/or hobbies, and rate them on the following scale:
a) I enjoy _____
b) I enjoy _____, but I don’t need you to enjoy it
c) I enjoy _____, but I don’t need you to enjoy it, so long as you are okay with *me* enjoying it
d) I enjoy _____, if enjoying _____ means you’ll like me
e) I enjoy _____, if enjoying _____ means you’ll sleep with me
f) I enjoy _____, but only doing it, I don’t really enjoy talking about it
g) I enjoy _____, but only talking about it, I don’t really enjoy doing it

7) If you answered “g” to the previous question, please elaborate:
a) I enjoy talking about it with anybody
b) I enjoy talking about it with anybody, but I’m actually kind of ignorant about the subject
c) I enjoy talking about it with anybody, but I think I know more than anybody on the subject, so talking about it probably won’t be much fun for you
d) I enjoy talking about it, but I don’t really like the subject, I just want people to like me
e) I enjoy talking about it, but only with somebody who knows what the hell they’re talking about, otherwise just drop the subject, you ignorant fuck
f) I enjoy talking about it, but doing so will open up a Pandora’s Box of skeletons in my closet that you probably don’t want to get into
g) I enjoy talking about it, if talking about it means you’ll sleep with me

8) My general personality is:
a) I’m happy
b) I’m never happy
d) I try way too hard to seem happy, and as a result, I’m annoying
d) I’m usually happy, but I’m such a cynical prick, you’d never know it
e) I’m trying desperately to be happy, but I’m not particularly good at it
f) I could be happy, but I’ve lost site of what the hell that means, so now I just sort of wallow
g) I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m angry, I’m afraid, I’m excited (or: I’m menstruating)

9) You should want to date me because:
a) I’m caring and understanding
b) I’m funny
c) I’m rich
d) I’m good looking
e) I’m less screwed up than most people
f) I’m REALLY rich
g) you can’t seem to do any better, can you?

10) My ideal partner is:
a) someone just like me
b) someone the exact opposite of me
c) someone a lot like me, but with enough differences to make it interesting
d) someone a lot like me, but without my emotional baggage (HA!)
e) someone a lot like me, but who has their shit more-or-less together and can help me get my life into some semblance of order just by sheer osmosis
f) someone a lot like me, but who’s just fucked-up enough to make me feel better about my miserable situation
g) someone with a pulse

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT! Now let’s all get out there and EMOTE-A-DATE!!!

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