Capturing The Past (A Video Retrospective)

 
* * * * *

 
Voice-over: In May of 2000… in the far reaches of Florida… two teams of shockingly different backgrounds met head on in a match unlike any ever seen before in the history of our sport.

What transpired is legendary.

[We are treated to a montage of video footage.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Cutting backstage.]

SB: It’s Dash Janssen and Jett Torres.

AR: Guerilla Zen is in the house!

[Indeed they are. Dash and Jett can be seen hovering around the water cooler, apparently discussing strategy for tonight’s game of Capture the Flag with the BOD Squad. The conversation is quickly paced and all passers-by are completely ignored. They, as they say, have their game faces on.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Another cut away to another part of the backstage area. This time it’s the aforementioned BOD Squad, Marky “Rip” Peters and “Chisel” Chad Cormier, who are seen hanging around a small buffet table. One would assume they are likewise discussing strategy, but given who they are it is probably safer to assume they are discussing anything BUT.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Just then the shapely figure of PWP backstage reporter Shiloh Ragno comes sauntering into view. Marky looks up instantly, as if he had smelled her perfume from a mile away (which he may have), and flashes his best sly smile at the stunning beauty. Shiloh freezes in her tracks, a look of disgust slowly washing over her otherwise beauteous face. She begins an immediate retreat from the scene.]

Peters: Hey yo, girl… don’t go away. The Ripper’s got somethin’ he wants to show you!

[As Shiloh flees the seen, Chad Cormier begins a series of muscle flexing poses. Marky grabs him by the wrist and gives chase after the young reporter.]

Peters: C’mon, Chiz, she’s getting’ away.

AR: Nice to see THEIR minds are on the match.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

RA: Paradise Wrestling fans… it is now time for our next match-up, which is a CAPTURE THE FLAG CONTEST!!

“RAAAAAH!”

AR: Oh, crap. Here we go. The Numbnuts brothers versus Guerilla Zen. This BETTER be quick!

SB: Actually, Archie, Marky Peters and Chad Cormier are *not* brothers.

AR: No kidding? What was the giveaway? The different last names?

SB: Well it’s just that you–

SP: I think the lad was trying to be insulting, Sammy.

SB: Oh. [pause] Well that’s not very nice–

AR: Spare me.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Chad waves the flag even more as the pair finally reach the ring and roll under the bottom rope. Guerilla Zen stand off to one side, obviously disgusted not only with the quality of their opponents, but their appearance as well.]

AR: What the?! Weren’t they supposed to have HIDDEN that thing by now?

SP: That would be the proper strategy, yes.

AR: Morons.

SB: Perhaps the BOD Squad were a bit unclear about the rules of this match.

AR: Or perhaps they’re two incredible losers!

[After a significant amount of posing and posturing for the crowd, Chad and Marky join Torres and Janssen at center ring along with head official Jake Dandridge. It actually looks like the beginning of a boxing match, with the referee set to lay out the ground rules.]

SB: Oh… it looks like Referee Jake Dandridge is going to go over the rules of this rather unique contest. Let’s listen in.

[We cut to a shot in the ring, where a roving camera dude is right up into the action. All four wrestlers stare at each other, doing their best to win the all important intimidation segment. The Zen are winning that war. Big shock.]

Dandridge: Alright, gentlemen, here are the rules. Each team has been given a flag to hide somewhere inside the arena. The object of the match is to find the other team’s flag and return it to the ring. The first team to achieve this goal will be the winners.

Along the way, it’s anything goes. You can use any means necessary to not only find your opponent’s flag, but to prevent them from finding yours. Any questions?

[No replies. Simple shakes of the head do the trick.]

Dandridge: Alright…

[Jake trails off as for the first time he notices that Chad is holding the Bodder’s flag.]

Dandridge: Excuse me, son, but isn’t that the flag?

[Chad says nothing. Marky does the talking.]

Peters: That’s it, ref dude.

[The senior official of PWP sighs. Torres and Janssen look less than amused.]

Dandridge: [taking a deep breath] Okay… you were supposed to have HID it already.

[This is apparently news to our boys.]

Peters: Really? Woh. Our bad, dude.

Dandridge: *sigh* Alright, why don’t you go do that.

[The BOD Squad makes no attempt to move.]

Dandridge: NOW!

[The sudden shout springs the boys to life. With a quick and sloppy salute, Marky and Chad bumble their way out of the ring and hightail it up the ramp towards the back. Dandridge and Guerilla Zen remain in the ring, watching this whole spectacle unfold in quiet disbelief.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

SB: Well it appears as though the BOD Squad are going to go and hide their flag and THEN this match will get officially underway.

SP: I have severe doubts as to the strategical abilities of those two. My gut instincts tell me wherever they end up hiding that thing will be a *less* than suitable location.

AR: Are you kidding? I’d bet they impale themselves on the damn pole before they even get a chance to hide the bastard.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Anyway, we’re in the general lockerroom area where we find the intrepid duo of Peters and Cormier mischievously huddled around a locker, their backs to us. Apparently a cameraman has been sent to document their escapades. He gets right up to the pair, peering over Marky’s muscle-bound shoulder in attempt to see what it is they are up to.]

Peters: C’mon, brah, they’d *never* think of looking in here, yo.

[For the first time in remembrance, we hear Chad speak. And with that high-pitched girlie-voice, it’s no wonder he generally keeps quiet.]

Cormier: You are sooooo smart, dude.

Peters: I know. We rule.

[Chad stands upright, smacking a beefy shoulder against the camera’s lens. Our picture gets bobbled for a moment, the operator trying to quickly right himself. He does, and we firmly settle on a shot of Marky and Chad glaring at the camera. Or at least, trying to look intimidating as they stare at the camera. I mean, it *is* the BOD Squad after all.]

Peters: Dude, what’re ya doin? You’re gonna ruin our concentration, yo!

Cormier: Yeah, man! Wazzup with this shiznit?

[For the first time we can see what it is they duo were trying to hide, as stuffed in the locker behind them is the American flag on a pole. The camera man actually speaks, breaking all sorts of protocol.]

Cameraman: Is *that* the flag for your game of capture the flag with Guerilla Zen?

Peters & Cormier: SHHHHHHHHHH!!

Peters: [whispering] Yes. That’s it. We’re hiding it in here. That’s a hella-smart idea, don’t ya think, dude?

Cameraman: That’s a word.

Peters: It was all my idea. [he grins proudly]

Cameraman: Wow. What a shock.

Peters: Dude, those Monkey dudes won’t know WHERE to look. HAZZAH! WE RULE!

[The muscle-packed pair slap a quick high-five then bump their burly chests together. They haven’t got a brain cell between them, but they certainly are in good shape. We jump back to a shot of the ring where we can now see the members of Guerilla Zen watching this whole fiasco on the Jumbo-Tron. Hmmm… their job just got made a WHOLE lot easier.]

AR: LOOK AT THIS! These two idiots don’t even REALIZE they’re on camera. They have no clue that their flag hiding place is being broadcast for the whole damn arena to see!

SP: This’ll certainly put a kink in their chances at attaining victory.

AR: A KINK?! THEY’RE SCREWED!!! Not like they weren’t before.

[Back to the lockerroom, where after their proud celebration, the duo revert back to “sneak” mode, hunching their shoulders and looking around nervously.]

Peters: Quick, brah, let’s get out of here before anybody notices us. That might give away our position, yo.

[The Bodders begin to sneak off left.]

Cameraman: Good thinking. You wouldn’t want *that* to happen.

[Marky stops. A huge grin spreads across his face.]

Peters: Thanks, camera dude!

[His grin is accompanied by a quick “hang lose” sign with his right hand before Marky then continues on his way. We cut once again back to the ring where Torres and Janssen stand dumbfounded. They’ve just witnessed where the BOD Squad have hidden their flag, so the contest for the most part is over. All that remains is for them to hustle to the back and grab it, then bring it back to the ring. The weird thing is, this prospect doesn’t appear to be all that appealing to them. The partners look exasperated, almost annoyed.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[The ref clarifies the situation.]

Dandridge: Gentlemen, is your flag hidden?

Peters: WAAAY, dude.

Dandridge: Then let’s start the contest.

[He signals for the bell.]

[*DING! DING! DING!*]

JB: And this match is officially underway!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

JB: Baseball slide by Chad Cormier! The Chisel was up, and he just drilled Torres in the midsection with those powerful legs of his! And now both members of Guerrilla Zen are down.

AR: And both members of the BOD Squad are running like a couple of pussies.

JB: ARCHIE!!

JP: He’s right, Sammy. They are.

JB: That may very well be, but is such language really NECESSARY?!

AR: Either way, those two are running scared. Look at the girly men run.

JB: Peters and Cormier are scampering up the ramp, apparently choosing to go in search of the Zen flag rather than take any more punishment here at ringside.

JP: Smart tactics on their part. This is not a match. This is a battle. And it won’t we won out here, that’s for sure.

AR: Aww yeah… the Zen are up and they are PISSED!

[We watch as Torres and Janssen, having quickly gathered their wits about them, follow after the Bodders towards the back.]

JB: Fans, we have no idea how long this will take, but we’ve got a couple of roving cameras out back tonight, and we’ll be doing out best to keep you up to date on any action that takes place involving this match. I’m sure these two teams will be meeting up again before this match is over, and we won’t miss a moment of that exciting action. In the meantime…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[As Slater turns off the cell phone, the team known as Guerilla Zen comes strolling into view. Dash Janssen is carrying a giant aluminum cookie sheet under one arm, whereas Jett Torres pats a lead pipe into his open hand. As they come upon Slater, Torres gets inquisitive.]

Torres: Hey… did you see those two muscle-bound freaks Peters and Cormier come this way?

[At this point, Slater’s face goes completely blank, followed by the shrugging of his broad shoulders. After turning his head to the camera, he smirks for the audience at home and then points down the hallway. Guerilla Zen quickly run off down the hallway in pursuit of their opponents. A second later we hear the voice of Torres come from off-screen, accompanied by a loud symphony of crashes and screams.]

“THERE THEY ARE!”

[*Thwap!*]

“AAAAARGH!!”

[*CRASH!!*]

“HEY, WATCH IT–”

[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]

[Slater flinches at each crash and smack that is heard, quietly enjoying the sounds of carnage that waft down the hall. As he begins to walk away, he just can’t help but smile. He then mutters the “famous last words”…]

TS: This is going to be VERY interesting.

[Slater begins to whistle as walks off-right. Meanwhile, the sounds of violence continue, as do the cries of Marky “Rip” Peters.]

“CHISEL, WATCH OUT FOR THOSE–”

[*CLANG-ANG-ANG!*]

“Pipes.”

[*THWAP!*]

“OWWWW! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE! THAT’S gonna leave a mark!”

[Mercifully, we cut back to the ring.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Once again we see the team of Peters and Cormier shuffling along. It is obvious that they have taken quite a beating up to this point in the evening as each of the pumped up youngsters looks far less enthusiastic than they did earlier in the evening. Their steps are slow and stilted, the apparent effects of a number of bodyslams on concrete and cookie sheet shots to the head.]

Peters: Dude, we’d better find that flag, and like SOON, man. I don’t think I can take much more of this.

[Chad does not reply to his partner, instead nodding his approval slowly as he rubs the back of his neck with his hand.]

Peters: I wonder if those chick that Trey’s gonna set us up with know anything about massage therapy? [his mood suddenly brightens] Brah! Maybe they’re Swedish!

[This perks Chad up quite a bit as well. We hear the voices of the announcers speak as Chad and Marky exchange excited looks at the prospect of twin Swedish girlfriends.]

AR: This is so saaaaad.

JB: The BOD Squad, apparently no closer to having found their opponent’s flag than the last time we saw them.

JP: It’s not as if they’re looking.

AR: Like it matters! Guerilla Zen have already SEEN where the Bodders flag is. All they have to do is go get it.

JB: Then why haven’t they?

AR: Cuz they wanna send these two dorks a message first, that’s why.

[Adding the perfect emphasis to Archie’s comments, the scene is suddenly shaken up by the arrival of Torres and Janssen, who roar into view and level Peters and Cormier with a ladder. Team Zen each have an end of the ladder and they run right OVER the Bodders like a low bridge. The boys hit the tiled floor HARD.]

AR: BINGO! We HAVE a winner!

JB: Another vicious attack by the team of Guerilla Zen! This is absolutely uncalled for! They could have won this match ages ago, but instead they are choosing to try and DESTROY their opponents.

AR: You said it! These guys are championship caliber, no doubt!

JP: Look at this! They just threw that ladder down on top of Peters and Cormier!

JB: I don’t like the looks of this…

AR: I do!

[Amazingly, Dash picks up his own partner in a powerbomb position and suddenly drops him onto the ladder, driving the fiberglass into the chests of Marky and Chad, not too mention into Torres’ back. But Jett doesn’t seem to mind, even though it’s clear he felt the effects as well.]

JB: That is PSYCHOTIC! A variation of their finisher the “Sensory Depravation”! Torres just gave up his own body for the sake of destroying Peters and Cormier!

JP: I’ll say this for them, they are dedicated soldiers.

JB: I can’t believe this! There is nothing this team won’t do!

AR: I like them more and more every second I see them! BRING IT ON, GUERILLA ZEN!

[The beating continues as Janssen drags a groggy Marky Peters to his feet, and after nailing him with three solid punches to the side of the head, rocking Marky back on his heels, takes him down with a massive clothesline. Marky is done.]

JB: How much more abuse can the BOD Squad take?

AR: Let’s hope lots. This is fun.

JB: Torres is going to work on Cormier now… grab of the wrist and he sends him HURLING into that wall!

[*SPLUT!*]

JP: OOOOOH! Not much give in that solid concrete wall.

AR: ALRIGHT!

JB: Janssen scooping Peters up… and RAMS him back first into the wall! This is a slaughter!

[Janssen and Torres continue to pummel the BOD Squad, picking up Cormier and spike piledriving him onto the hard tile floor. Peters gets slowly to his feet and makes a half-hearted attempt to fight back, swinging wildly at Torres. He of course misses and falls face first to the floor.]

JP: Get up, solider!

JB: Marky Peters is down! And so is his partner! This looks like the end for the BOD Squad!

AR: No! More! I want more carnage!

JB: Dash Janssen has another cookie sheet… where do those things COME FROM?!

JP: I don’t know, but he’s about to do some MORE damage to the already battered skull of Chad Cormier!

JB: He cocks back with it and– NO! Cormier gets his hand up and blocks it! Boot to the stomach, and now he rips the aluminum pan from Dash’s grasp!

[*THWAP!*]

JP: OOOH! Solid shot across the lowly anarchist’s noggin’!

JB: Torres to the rescue!

[*THWAP!*]

JB: NO! He too eats a tray to the head!

AR: NOOOO! This CAN’T be happening!

JB: Janssen back for more!

[*THWAP!*]

JB: Another shot! And Cormier turns back to Torres!

[*THWAP!*]

JP: OH MY! He’s evening the score here!

[*THWAP!*]

[*THWAP!*]

[*THWAP!*]]

[*THWAP!*]

JB: Chad Cormier is taking turns here just waffling the members of Guerilla Zen with that cookie sheet!

AR: THIS IS WRONG! THIS ISN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN!!

[We watch as Cormier gleefully trades off blows on the ripe skulls of Torres and Janssen who stagger back in forth like drunks. Chad is smiling like a little boy. It’s almost comical.]

[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]
[*THWAP!*]

[Almost.]

[*THWAP!*]

SP: Oops.

SB: HE JUST HIT PETERS! CHAD CORMIER JUST KERRANGED HIS OWN PARTNER!!

AR: Now THAT’S the BOD Squad *I* know!

SB: And Marky is stunned!

SP: Chad looks a little stunned himself, although for an entirely *different* reason.

[Having mistakenly clocked his own partner over the head, Chad drops the aluminum sheet to the ground and quickly tends to a groggy Marky Peters. He throws his partner’s arm around his neck and leads Marky off screen.]

AR: Awwww… phooey. I wanted to see more.

SB: Chad Cormier apparently choosing to take this opportunity while Guerilla Zen is down and get the hell out of Dodge!

SP: Another shrewd move. They need to regroup.

AR: It’s chickenshit!

SB: ARCHIE!!

[We hold on a shot of Torres and Janssen still struggling to maintain their balance, their eyes glazed over after one-too-many shots to the head. No doubt they’ll be back up in a few moments, ready to exact a little revenge. But for the moment the duo is dazed and confused, and we cut away…]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[This time we’re in a kitchen, where we see Marky Peters standing next to a giant sink in which his partner, Chad Cormier, is currently hunched over and hanging his head under the giant faucet. Cold water rushes over the back of Chad’s neck and he occasionally reaches up with a hand and redirects some water to his head, rubbing it into his short blonde hair.]

[Meanwhile Marky looks exhausted. He’s leaning heavily up against the counter as obviously the effects of the evening’s on-going battle with Guerilla Zen are getting the best of him. His eyes are almost glazed over, like he has no clue where he is (oh, like he EVER does) and could fall over at any minute.]

Peters: Brah, we have GOT to find that flag, and like… soon. I can’t take much more of this, yo.

“Oh… well isn’t that just too bad.”

[Marky’s eyes go bug at the sound of the voice.]

[*CRACK!*]

SB: THAT’S DASH JANSSEN!! GUERILLA ZEN HAVE ONCE AGAIN FOUND THE BOD SQUAD!!

AR: And are once again gonna deliver a serious beatdown!!

SB: Janssen clobbering Peters in the head with that plastic dish tray! Oh my, what a blow!

SP: Another fine example of Guerilla warfare!

AR: Ick. That was BAD, Stan.

[Jett Torres quickly enters the fray as well, grabbing a surprised Chad Cormier by hair and slamming him face first into the sink.]

[*THANG!*]

SB: Oooh, mommy, that has GOT to hurt!

[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]

[He repeatedly and viciously slams Chad into the cast iron sink basin, screaming as he does so.]

Torres: THAT’S FOR THE SHOTS WITH THE COOKIE SHEET, YOU ASSHOLE!!

[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]
[*THANG!*]

SB: My GOODNESS!

SP: Cormier’s face must be hamburger by now!

AR: Good!

[*CRASSSHHH!!*]

SB: There goes Peters, sailing into that dishrack! Janssen is letting him have it here!

[Grabbing the nearest thing he can find, in this case a giant metal salad bowl, Dash charges at the stunned Marky Peters and clocks him over the head with it.]

[*F-TANGGG!!*]

SB: HE’S GONNA TOSS HIS SALAD!!

AR: Umm… Sammy… I don’t think you know what you just said.

SP: ANARCHIST COWARD FAGS!!!

AR: Not that bit again.

[*F-TANGGG!!*]

SB: Another shot across the skull with that salad bowl! The BOD Squad is ONCE AGAIN in trouble!

AR: Maybe this time the Zen boys can put them down and KEEP them down.

SP: LOOK OUT!

SB: OOOOOH!! Jett Torres just climbed up on top of the counter and dropped a leg across the back of Chad Cormier’s head! He drove Cormier’s face into the sink again and drove his chest into the corner! The Chisel may have broken ribs after that stunt!

SP: And they’re not satisfied there. Look at these two men dismantling the BOD Squad.

[Dash Janssen drags Marky Peter’s limp body from the wreckage of the dishrack, dropping to one knee and holding Marky over his knee in a backbreaker type position. Torres, already standing on the counter top, climbs even higher, making his way up on top of the giant dishwasher, a good eight feet off the ground.]

SB: What are they going to do here?!

AR: Something VERY cool!

[With a bloodcurdling howl, Torres hurls himself off the top of the dishwasher, executing a full somersault and crashing down across the neck of Marky Peters with a senton bomb. The force flips Peters completely over, with Janssen dumping him face first onto the kitchen floor.]

SB: OH – MY – GOD!!!!!

SP: SWEET JESUS!!!

AR: HOLY SHIT!!!

SP: I DON’T BELIEVE WHAT WE JUST SAW!!!

SB: Jett Torres is an insane ANIMAL! That was a variation of their “Screwdriver” move, but… just how did he pull that off?!

AR: Screw that, how did he SURVIVE IT?!

[Not only did Torres survive the massive bomb to the floor, he got back up (albeit slowly) and is looking for more. Janssen moves over to Cormier who is still slumped over the sink, and pulls him out.]

SB: They’re not done! Janssen pulls Cormier out of the sink and…

[*SMASSSHHH!!*]

SB: OHHH! He just broke a plate over Chad’s head!

AR: Man, these guys are absolutely WRECKING the Bodders!

SB: Cormier is down… but I don’t think he’s out of the woods yet. Janssen is climbing up onto the counter… AS IS TORRES!

SP: This is going to be the final touch, I do believe.

SB: Both men up… DASH LEAPS…

[*THUD!*]

SB: FROGSPLASH!!! AND THERE GOES TORRES!!

[*THUD!*]

SB: ANOTHER SENTON BOMB!!!

AR: ANARCHY! ANARCHY! THAT WAS ANARCHY!!

SP: This whole night has been anarchy!

AR: No, dummy! It was their finisher… “ANARCHY!”

SB: And I think that was the nail in the coffin for the BOD Squad! Peters and Cormier are both down and neither man looks like he’ll be getting up anytime soon! This match is all but over!

AR: YESSSSS!!

[Janssen and Torres, themselves quiet tired and suffering the ill-effects of the night’s festivities. Satisfied they have delivered the necessary beating, the duo throw an arm over each other’s shoulders for physical support and limp off-screen. We’re left with a shot of Chad and Marky laid out on the kitchen floor.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

[Enter the team known as Guerilla Zen, Jett Torres and Dash Janssen. Having *finally* rid themselves of the Bodders during the recent fracas in the kitchen, they have retrieved the American flag from the Bodders locker and are now making their way down the aisle towards the ring.]

SB: It appears as though they have the BOD Squad’s flag and are going to win this highly contested game of capture the flag.

AR: Highly contested? What match have YOU been watching? They kicked the Bod’s ASSES.

SB: Marky and Chad put up a decent fight.

AR: My ASS they did.

[As Dash and Jet enter the ring, Jett tosses the flag pole down to the mat with fling.]

[*DING! DING! DING!*]

SB: And that’s it. Senior official Jake Dandridge calls for the bell and it is finally over!

SP: Wow. These two fought all OVER the building tonight. Tough loss for the Bodders.

AR: PAH! Losers.

SB: Speaking of which… I wonder where they are?

[We cut to a shot of the kitchen where we last left the beleaguered and beaten duo. But nope… they ain’t there.]

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

…To be continued.

 
* * * * *

 

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