Monkey Strategy

 
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[Faaaaaaaaaade up!]

[…And what do we see?]

[Two eyeballs… make that two HUGE eyeballs, staring right back at us. AAAAARGH!! TOO CLOSE! TOO CLOSE! PULL AWAY!]

[We do. Whew! That was a bit disgusting. Nobody should be looking THAT close into somebody else’s eyes. It’s just… well… creepy. Kinda gross, ya know?]

[Anyhoo… as we pull away we see who’s brown eyes it was we were in fact drilling into; Marky “Rip” Peters, one half of the BOD Squad and a damn handsome man. His brow is currently knit in a rug of deep concentration, the thin blonde eyebrows slanting inwards in a “V”. At this still extremely close angle his flat nose looks even flatter than normal. Somebody done and gone smashed that boy’s shnoz. Poor kid.]

“HrrrrmmmphBLAH!”

[This muffled grumble is caused by Marky suddenly running a meaty hand across the aforementioned face, wiping clean his sweaty visage in a (vain) attempt to clarify his thinking.]

“OYO-OYO-OYO-OYO-OYO-OYO-OYO!”

[What the hell is he doing now? Glad you asked. He’s shaking his head back and forth quite vigorously. Apparently he’s hoping to clear the cobwebs from his feeble little mind, to bring some sense to whatever it is he was staring so intently at. His face is a blur as he does this; his lips flailing like a hysterical octopus and shooting spittle on the lens. Ick. Cut away.]

[HAZZA!]

[New view. We’re now looking at Marky from the side and at a much wider angle. He’s sitting down on a small folding chair, his muscular back hunched over as he rests one arm across his lap and props his vacant head on his other hand, elbow perched on a knee. He’s leaning forward, staring at the contents of the small card table directly in front of him. It appears to be a gameboard and its accompanying pieces. Those with a discerning eye can tell that it’s a game of Stratego, the (barely) military strategy game. Those without a discerning eye have no clue what it is. Poor saps.]

[Across from Marky, seated haphazardly in another folding chair, is a monkey.]

[That’s right, a monkey. What’s so odd about that?]

[Apparently this monkey is Marky’s opponent for this battle of wits. And if the worried look on Marky’s face is any indication, Darwin’s little buddy is kicking Marky’s ass. Of course, it may NOT be an indication. But the pile of red game pieces that the monk has piled up in front of him are. Especially since his blue pieces still litter the board. Yes sir, kiddies, this evolutionary throwback has just about captured all of young Rip’s soldiers, and Marky is up the proverbial creek without the proverbial paddle… or a proverb, for that matter.]

[Marky reaches up with his right hand, grasping one of his few remaining game pieces as if to move it.]

“OOOH-AHHH-AHHH!!”

[Damn monkey. He’s mocking Marky. The Bodder removes his hand from the piece.]

[Silence. Marky re-thinks.]

[He reaches up, now grabbing another piece…]

“OOOH-EEEH-AHHH-AHHH!!”

[There he goes again. Cocky little ape-wannabe. Doesn’t he know that’s discourteous? Marky releases this piece as well. Again he pauses for a moment to re-plan. Eventually he grabs a third (and might I add his LAST) piece, quickly moving it into position to capture one of the monkey’s blue pieces before the runt can cackle again.]

[*clack*]

[The blue piece is tipped and falls to the board, revealing an exploding bomb etched on it’s front.]

“AAAAAAAAAARGH!! AGAIN?!?!”

[Oops. Looks like Marky just lost another piece. I guess Stratego just isn’t his game.]

“Oooh-eeeh-EEEH!”

[A happy monkey now smiles one of those big gum-and-tooth grins it seems all monkey’s do. He claps his oversized hands together in amusement at Marky’s ineptitude.]

“Shut-up.”

[Nice retort, Rip. That really showed him.]

[The monkey flips Marky the bird. You know, that wasn’t very nice.]

[Kinda funny though. Ever seen a monkey flip somebody off? How can you not laugh at that, eh?]

[You’re probably wondering just what the hell this is all about, aren’t you? Well you see, Marky and his partner in muscle, Chad Cormier, are set to face off against the team of Guerilla Zen on this week’s Vortex. The catch is, they’re playing a game of capture the flag. And as you can see, Marky’s strategy skills are a little lacking. Or so says the monkey. Either way the Bodders are in trouble, especially considering that Marky’s the brains of the duo. Ouch.]

“OOOOOH-AHHHHH-AHHHHH!!!”

“Why you SNEAKY LITT–”

[*FLIP*]

[*CLACK* *CLACK* WHUMP* *CLACK* *RATTLE* *CLACK*]

[Uh oh. I think the monkey just won. In a moment of poor sportsmanship, Rip just flipped the gameboard upwards, sending the pieces scattering all over the table and floor. Nope. This does NOT bode well for the boys at Vortex. But then again, it’s not like they were exactly favorites going in, now were they?]

[Fade to black. Come on. You know you want to.]

 
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