[What we see is like something out of a bad spy novel. A dark interrogation room with a lone figure seated in a chair in the center. There is bright desk lamp on a table next to the chair, and it is shining directly into the face of the figure. Thanks to the light, we can see that the figure is in fact Devo Tremors. His hands are apparently tied in back, and it would seem that his ankles are tied to the legs of the chair. He looks to be a beaten man, his head falling forward and his chin resting on his chest. His hair is an unruly mess and falls all about his face.]
[After a few seconds, a second figure enters the room. It is Noga, Devo’s wise and mysterious trainer. He carries a small whip and he looks none to happy. He enters with his head down and paces in circles around the seated Devo.]
Noga: I am tiring of this insolence, Devo. You will never be a success if you continue to ignore my advice and fall prey to tactics of others.
[Devo does not answer. He does not move. Hell, he doesn’t do anything.]
Noga: I have asked myself over and over, “Where did I fail? What did I do wrong? Why are you such a moron?”
[Devo starts to raise head his slightly, as if he were going to speak, but is quickly struck down by a lash from Noga’s whip. Their is a slight grunt of pain, and then he drops his head again. Noga presents himself to the camera. He stares long and hard into the camera, and into our living rooms. It is a stare of wisdom. Or impending incontinence, it’s difficult to tell. He speaks to us.]
Noga: I have done my best to impress upon this young lad’s mind the importance of staying focused upon the task at hand. I have tried to make it clear to him, that involving yourself in the matters of others is a sure path to failure. Yet he has ignored my commands, and taken it upon himself to step foot in the ring where not invited, and bring shame upon himself and me. He has paid the price for his inexperience. But will he learn from it?
[Just then, another figure walks into our view from the left of the screen. It’s… it’s…. well, it’s Devo. Not the Devo that is still seated in the chair, but a different Devo. This Devo is dressed much like we saw during his in-ring interview on Sunday’s Luau. Tan kulat shorts, a white t-shirt, and his Academy letterman’s jacket. He walks in and quickly surveys the scene. It is immediately obvious that his confusion mirrors our own.]
Devo #2: What’s going on? Like, who the heck is he?
[There is an extremely odd silence as Noga turns to Devo number two, and attempts to discern just “what the heck is going on”. He looks at Devo #1, then at Devo #2, then back to Devo #1, then back to Devo #2, then… you get the idea. An incredulous look sweeps across his face, and for the first time since we’ve met him, Noga is without an answer.]
Noga: Who are you?
Devo #2: It’s me, Devo.
Noga: [turning to Devo #1] Then who is he?
Devo #2: That’s what I was asking you, you know.
[Noga approaches Devo #1, and grabs a handful of his hair. He pulls the lads head backwards so that for the first time we can see his face. Upon closer examination, we can see that Devo #1 is in fact not Devo at all, but rather an imposter. Again Noga does a series of double/triple/quadruple takes.]
Noga: [to Devo #1] Who are you?
Devo #2: Yeah, like who are you?
Devo #1: [raising his head and speaking with obvious frustration] Well, as I’ve been trying to tell your for the last two hours, you crazy old man, my name ain’t Devo. I’m an actor. My name’s Bruce Penhall. If you’d have opened your ears long enough you’d have figured that out. And Christ, what’s with that whip? I’m gonna have welts, you psychotic bastard.
Noga: You’re not the real Devo?
Noga: [turning to Devo #2] So you’re the real Devo?
Devo #2: Yes.
Noga: [back to Devo/Bruce] And you’re an actor?
Noga: [shaking his head] I’m very confused.
Devo/Bruce: No s[bleep]t.
[We fade slowly to black with the image of the three men in a state of arrested confusion. After a second or two of blackness we fade back up. All three men are now seated in a semi-circle around the table with the desk lamp. The lamp is off as the room is now lit by a brighter overhead bulb, dangling from the ceiling. Noga is seated in between Devo and Bruce. Bruce has removed the wig he had been wearing, revealing his natural short blond hair, and is slowly rubbing his wrists where the ropes that bound him to the chair had been tied. A caption on the bottom of the screen reads:]
35 Minutes Later
Noga: So let me get this straight. Someone hired you to pose as Devo and run down to interfere in the match between Meltdown and JW Oswald?
Bruce: Yes. That’s correct.
Devo: Like, who?
Bruce: I can’t say.
Devo: But why?
Noga: It is obvious, young Devo. The management here at HIW is obviously upset with your lack of initiative. They probably feel as though you are not doing you’re job in trying to generate enough “heat”, I believe they call it in the business these days, for your upcoming J-Crown shot against Doman Schwahling and another opponent. So they hired this young man to stir up the pot, so to speak.
Devo: Well this certainly explains all the weird looks I got from people when I came out for that interview Sunday. It was like they had all seen a ghost.
Noga: Exactly. They had seen you leave the ring area only moments before, and when you came back out, it was if nothing had happened. They were most confused.
Devo: So like, tell me something, you know. How come you used my old theme music? I’ve never even come out to that before.
Bruce: Listen, kid. They didn’t tell me much alright. All I had to go on was what was in your bio and a couple of publicity photos you did for some Mentos add. How the hell do you wear those pants in public? That was humiliating?
Devo: It’s a long story.
Bruce: Anyway, that song was in your bio, so I went with it.
Noga: What I find most disturbing, is that the fans actually cheered when you, the fake Devo, came down to ringside, and yet were quiet when the real thing was talking.
Bruce: Well, it didn’t actually go down that way. You see, right when I came running down, there was a fight in the stands, and that’s what people started cheering for. I don’t think they were cheering for me, or rather, you. In fact, when I first started running down, I thought I heard people saying, “Who’s he?”
Devo: Great. So the fans still hate me.
Noga: Do not get so down on yourself, young one. You must first earn the fans respect. A good showing in the battle royal on Thursday and a victory over Schwahling and the other opponent, whomever he may be, on Sunday, and you will find the fans will support you.
Devo: I sure hope so.
Noga: So tell me Mr. Bruce…
Bruce: [interrupting] Actually, it’s Mr. Penhall.
Noga: So sorry. Tell me Mr. Penhalls, where did they ever find you?
Bruce: What? You don’t know who I am?
Noga: I’m afraid I do not. Devo?
Devo: You look kind of familiar.
Bruce: I was on CHiPs way back in the early eighties.
Noga: You mean, with Ponch and John? Oh, they were funny policemen.
Bruce: Well, not exactly. I was on for a year when they refused to do the show as part of a contract squabble. Me and this other guy took over. Then Ponch and John came back, so I got booted.
Devo: Is that all you’ve done?
Bruce: NO! I’ve been in a number of classic feature films. Filmed right here in Hawaii with famed director Andy Sidaris.
Noga: I have not heard of him.
Devo: Wait. Are they those really bad films that Buff Bagwell was in a couple of years back?
Bruce: Listen, kid, I was involved long before that fruitcake came along. I was nailing Julie Strain and Donna Speir back when he was still calling himself Marcus Alexander. So don’t give me any s[bleep]t. I helped make that series.
Noga: Most interesting. Still, how did you get involved here?
Bruce: I told you. I can’t reveal who hired me. It would be unethical.
Devo: This from a guy who like, makes bad T&A films.
[Bruce bolts up from his chair and grabs Devo by the collar of his jacket. He threatens Devo with a closed fist as he delivers his next line.]
Bruce: Those were quality films you little punk! You’re just jealous cause I was nailing Playboy Playmates while you were out rolling around with a bunch of monkeys!
Devo: They were chimps, actually.
[Bruce cocks his fist back farther.]
Noga: [rising and attempting to remove Bruce’s hand from Devo’s collar] Okay, Mr. Penballs, we are sorry if we have offended you. Please try and remain calm.
Bruce: Sorry. It’s been a hard career.
Devo: So, Noga, like where do I go now, you know?
Noga: Well, young Devo, you must do as I have outlined. Thursday, on TST, you must do your best to win the battle royal. The training we did last weekend should have helped you. Then we will concentrate on your match on Sunday. There is much riding on the line with that match. Mr. Schwahling will be a most dangerous adversary, so we must concentrate on taking him out. Plus, the other two fellows who may oppose you that night, Mr. Perce and Mr. Ali-Baba-Whatchamacallit appear to be dangerous as well. So we will prepare you for all contingencies.
Bruce: So can I go?
Noga: Yes, Mr. Pennywall, you may leave. And tell your employer, that Devo Tremors will not be made to look like a fool. If anyone is going to humiliate the lad, it will be me.
Devo: Yeah!… Hey wait…
Noga: [ignoring Devo’s protest and approaching the camera] To you Mr. Schwahling, I will issue a warning. The man you so easily disposed of in the ring this last Sunday, was not the same man you will face this Sunday. You had better come prepared. Because this time, you will be in for the fight of your life. Young Devo, will see to it personally this time. No imposters. As for you, Mr. Perce, or Mr. Iron Shiek-wanna be, do not think we will overlook you. The J-Crown shot is a prestigious accomplishment, and we will see to it that nothing stands in our way. Isn’t that right, Devo?
Devo: [joining Noga’s side and staring into the camera with as serious a look as his cherub like face can muster] Well… yeah. Like… you know.
[Fade to black.]