****Time for another installment of everyone’s favorite post pattern, “The Miseducation of Devo Tremors”. Tonight’s chapter: “Shop Till You Drop” or, “How To Prep For A Battle Royal When You Have No Real Friends”. We’re joined by our wrinkled little friend, Noga, for this one. You remember him, don’t ya? The Jose Lothario/Frank Oz cross-breed? Well, if you don’t, you’ll just have to go and do some back-reading. It ain’t my job to get you caught up.****
[Ah… there’s a problem there. The powers that be have changed the post board and that episode is long gone.]
****HEY! I thought I fired your expositional ass after your outburst last time. How the hell did you get back in?****
[Actually, I’m the new guy. I just thought I’d let you know that these people won’t be able to go back and check that other one out.]
****Oh. Okay. But let’s get one thing straight up front, okay new guy? You stick to description. I’m the one who gets to say all the funny stuff. Know your role or I’ll slap the taste out of your mouth.****
[Okay, two things. One – get some original material. And two – I don’t have a mouth. I don’t exist. I’m words on a screen.]
****Listen, smart ass. I don’t care if you’re a figment of my freakin’ imagination. I got control of the delete button, so just keep in line, that’s all I’m saying.****
[Point taken, oh exalted one.]
****That’s better. Now, where were we? Oh yeah. Devo’s set up another meeting with the Jedi Ring Master, and it looks like they’re trying to bone up on Battle Royal techniques and strategies. I’m not really sure what the old man has to say. Should be lively though. Right now they’re headed for the mall. Now what the mall has to do with a Battle Royal is beyond me, but hey, that’s why I’m just a narrator.
Allow me to fill in a little bit of what’s been going down with the lad lately. After that stunning victory on TST (Tropical Storm Thursday, for those who aren’t up on the hip lingo) two weeks ago, he’s been basically bouncing around with the marketing people, trying to milk this Mentos tie-in for all it’s worth, while he waits for another match. Things are heating up though. He’s part of this two ring extravaganza on TST this week, then we got that 3-way for the J-Crown shot coming up as well. Right now, it’s Devo and Doman Schwahling, with a third party to be announced.
Now Devo’s none too happy with Mr. Schwahling these days. Seems the Domanator has been dismissing the lad as a mere formality. Someone not to be trifled with. Devo’s quite disturbed by this. Add to that the fact that he seems to think JW Oswald tried to steal one of his catch phrases, AND the fact that the fans just haven’t warmed up to the little fella, and you can imagine his state of mind. He’s itching to get back into the ring, and rumor has it he may try and make his presence felt on Luau this Sunday. Take from that what you will. I think it’s bunk, myself.
So here we go. Devo and Noga have arrived at the mall (don’t ask me which one, I don’t have time to look all this crap up, people) and we’re ready for whatever it is they’re up to. I’m gonna turn things over to the new description guy, who I’ll remind is merely here on a TRIAL basis. So no off hand comments, Detail Dude. Leave the humor to the big boys.****
[Thank you for that kind introduction, Supreme and Mighty Narrator Man.]
****That’s good. I like that.****
[Fabulous. Okay, Devo and Noga are walking through a mall. Devo’s dressed casually in a pair of tan kulats and a black HIW tee. His long blond hair, per usual, is tied back in a ponytail. Noga’s dressed like you’d expect a decrepit, old, Hawaiian man to dress. A loud, floral print, Hawaiian shirt, plaid shorts, and black socks with sandals. Tragic, really. We’ll join them in mid conversation.]
Devo: I’m still not sure I’ve got the hang of what this is all about.
Noga: All will be made clear when we reach our destination. Have patience, young one.
Devo: And another thing. How come you’re not like, talking like Yoda anymore?
Noga: [to himself] They never learn. [to Devo] That premise has been used, young Devo. If we were to plagiarize another whole scene, it would only point to a lack of creativity on our part. Is that what you would prefer?
Devo: Well, no, but…
Noga: [interrupting] But nothing. Now zip it!
Devo: Yes, sir.
[They continue to move their way through the grand corridor, sidestepping and dodging the ever present onslaught of commerce cattle. Devo, ever the polite one, repeatedly gets sidetracked by trying to step out of someone’s way and consequently being pushed by the oncoming stream in the reverse direction. He manages to catch up with Noga, however, who is unaffected by the traffic. They finally reach what appears to be their destination. “Hawaii Five-O-1 Blues Discount Outlet”. They stand at the entranceway, but do not enter.]
Noga: This is it, my impatient friend. The sight of your training.
Devo: [understandably confused] A clothing store?
Noga: Not just any clothing store. Once again, you fail to see the forest for the trees. What’s going on inside these walls will more than prepare you for Thursday’s battle.
Devo: What is it? Is like, Lee Clark in there signing autographs?
Devo: It’s Schwahling, isn’t it? He’s in there shopping for his sister, and you like, you want me to go in there and take him out so he won’t be able to participate in our upcoming match. Great thinking!
Noga: Again. No.
Devo: OSWALD! He’s in the lingerie department buying something skimpy for his gay manager and I’m gonna put a hurting on him for stealing my catch phrase. Brilliant!
Noga: Would you stop thinking like Jason Blade. Sneak attacks will not help you here. There is much more to be learned. If you want to win this Thursday, you must earn it, though hard work and sound strategy.
Devo: So why the heck are we here? This is silly, you know.
[With an almost unseen flick of the wrist, Noga grabs a flyer from a passing patron who is leaving the store. He hands it to Devo, who does a slight double-take trying to figure out where it came from. He eventually looks down at the paper and a look of realization crosses his face, only to be replaced by a look of confusion even greater than the one from before.]
Devo: Huh? Now I’m really confused. Like, more than usual.
Noga: What does it say?
Devo: It says… [he reads] Subject to quantities on hand. Not valid with any other offer.
Noga: Not the FINE PRINT! The big letters, up top.
Devo: Oh. [he reads again] One day sale.
Devo: I still don’t get it.
Noga: Why am I not surprised. It’s perfectly simple, you see…
****This is where I’m gonna step in. I know what you’re thinking. “But this is the good part. He was gonna tell us the point behind all this.” Very true. But, hey, if you haven’t figured it out yet, then too bad. I’m skipping ahead. It’s my show and I’ll do what I want. So we’re gonna move on a bit. El Descripto will fill in the blanks for ya.****
[Same scene as before. The entrance to “Hawaii Five-O-1 Blues Discount Outlet”. Noga is sitting quietly on a bench next to a large indoor palm tree. (Like they don’t have enough real ones in Hawaii, they need to put fake ones in the mall). Like most aged people in a mall, he’s sitting with his legs crossed, staring off into space and idly counting the seconds till his death. Devo, previously unseen, comes staggering out from the store. His t-shirt is torn on one shoulder and his hair has been removed from the ponytail and is now hanging hariedly around his face. His eyes are wide with bewilderment.]
Noga: How did it go?
Devo: [nearly out of breath] Terrible. Those people are animals. Some lady thought I was like, a mannequin, you know, and she tried to take my shorts off. Like, what’s wrong with society?
Noga: Yes, but did you learn anything?
Devo: Yeah. Wear a belt.
Noga: No, no, no. You will not succeed with such a narrow minded attitude. To win a battle royal, you must have eyes in the back of your head. You must trust no one. And you must stay focused on your goal. Much like when shopping. Those middle-aged women may seem gentle, but when a sale flyer is waved in front of their eyes, they become like raging bulls. You must go back in there, and do not come out until you have retrieved the item I have requested.
Devo: But that’s impossible…
Noga: NO EXCUSES! GO!
Devo: Yes, sir.
[Devo reluctantly turns and shuffles back into the store. He soon disappears into a crowd of shoppers; arms flailing and legs kicking. More time passes. Eventually, a beaten Devo crawls between the legs of a rather large consumer and flops down at the feet of Noga, who remains seated on the bench.]
Noga: Did you retrieve the item?
[Devo does not speak, but from his face down position, he extends his right arm upwards, revealing a purple lace bra clutched in his hand.]
Noga: Excellent, young one. You have done well. Tell me, what have you learned?
Devo: Hrmphfg. Gaggleblaxt. Tooey.
Noga: Good. Now, we eat. I hear they have a Flamers in this mall. I wonder if perhaps Luther works there?
[Noga gets up from his seat, grabs Devo by an ankle, and casually drags the corpse like body down the corridor towards the food court.]
****Okay, that’ll do. Nice job, new guy. Although watch it with those side comments. I heard the crack about palm trees. You’re paid to describe the action, not comment on the necessity of plant life. Understood?****
[Yes sir, Masa.]
****Watch it. Anyway, that should just about wrap it up. As you can see, that Noga has great wisdom. He will teach young Devo much. As for the kid’s chances Thursday? Well, they’re certainly better than they were. Let’s just hope the boy can recover in time. And let’s hope he can keep his mind on winning, rather than seeking revenge on Schwahling and Oswald. He still seems to be suffering from a lack of focus. But I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
That does it for me. I’ve got a full body massage appointment that I ain’t about to miss. The last time, I tipped the girl an extra fifty and she… well, that’s none of your business. Devo’s hoping to have a promo shoot done for you folks later in the week. I may or may not be there for that one. I haven’t decided yet. You see, I have it in my contract that I only have to do the non-video shoots. Anything else, is my choice. So we’ll see. Until next time, Aloha!****