Sand In The Brain

**** Ahh, the beach. Spending a little time on the island of Maui today. What with Devo sitting on the sidelines for the last week or so, there’s certainly been time for a little of the re-lax-ation. So here we are, or more to the point, there he is. Soaking up the rays and working on his moves. No, no, not wrestling moves, stupid. Scoping out the chicks. Groovin’ some babes. Playin’ the honeys, if you will. Looks like he’s coming in at his regular success rate too, i.e. zero percent. Of course, he’s gonna have to work on that opening line a bit if he wants to break the ice. “My name’s Devo and I really need a date” just isn’t smooth enough for today’s modern woman. When’s he gonna learn that the desperate puppy dog plea just ain’t cutting it? Oh well, I suppose that’s why I find the little bugger so humorous.

Not really a whole lot to show you today. Like I said, it’s been a slow week. And with all the other HIW superstars too busy to care about some 195 cruiserweight, it’s no great shock to see him alone on the sand with nothing but his thoughts. Kinda makes you wonder what goes through that empty little head of his at times like this. Well I tell you what, why don’t we find out. What’s that you say? We can’t read his thoughts? Oh my poor misguided followers, when will you learn? If I can show you a slice of daily life without the help of a promo camera, I can damn sure take you inside the boy’s mind. What do you think this is, real life? Silly people.

So for that, I’ll turn it over to my trusty assistant, the “description guy”. I’m sure he has a name, but I’ll be damned if I care what it is. Gotta show these interns whose boss. The moment they think you actually give a shit about them, it’s all down hill. (insert Monica joke here). So take it away, whatever your name is. ****

[A typical day in paradise. Bright sun. Blue skies. Clear water ocean. The sand is hot, as evidenced by a young boy who’s highstepping his way down the beach to the water. Sandals, young one. Sandals. And why is it we lift our feet so high off of a hot surface? Do we honestly think that the farther away from the hot ground they are, the cooler they’ll get? What a silly species we are.]

**** Alright, hold up. I’ve had about enough of this. Listen, Setting Master, I’ve noticed your little sidebar comments the last couple of posts. Don’t think I’m not paying attention. You just stick to laying the scene, and leave the witty dialogue to us professionals. Lousy, job stealing, little punk. ****

[Whatever. (Big jerk). So there sits Devo. He’s laying face down on a beach towel, his back shining with a slick coating of sun block. His golden blond hair tied in a ponytail and draped over his back. Do you think we should tell him it’s gonna leave a pale spot on his back? Nah, why bother? He lays motionless as the sun beats down, and we soon focus in on the brainwaves of his nearly idle mind.]

[ Devo’s Thoughts (by Jack Handy?) ]

*Geez, I really thought I had a shot with her*

*What does she know?*

*I’m gonna be a star*

*A big bright shiny star*

**** Keep it in your pants, Devo. Sorry, folks, but he’s no Marky Mark ****

*I’m gonna get that J-Crown shot*

*It’s mine for the taking*

*They’ll underestimate me*

*They think I’m too small*

*Or maybe they think my promos suck*

*Why should that matter?*

*I can still kick butt in the ring*

*Maybe it’s the fans*

*Why don’t they like me?*

*I do it for them*

*It’s all for them*

*They just don’t get it*

*They just don’t care*

*But I care*

*I care about being a champion*

*I’ll show them all*

*Damn this stupid Mentos thing*

*Why can’t they drop it?*

*Those pants make me look stupid*

*No one respects me*

*I’ll make them respect me*

*They won’t laugh any more*

*Not after I’m J-Crown champion*

*Not after I whip Doman Schwahling*

*Who does he think he is?*

*Blowing me off*

*Like I was not worth his time*

*I’ll make him regret that*

*And what’s with this Oswald guy?*

*Stealing my phrase*

*I’m JW Oswald and you’re not*

*I said it first*

*Well, I said, I’m Devo Tremors and you’re not*

*But the idea was the same*

*He stole it from me*

*I said it first*

*I’ll steal it back*

*He’s got that match on Sunday*

*Doman’s the ref*

*Maybe I’ll show up*

*Yeah, and I’ll watch the match*

*I’ll make them notice Devo Tremors*

*They won’t push me aside*

*And I’ll take back my phrase*

*Cause I said it first*

*Yeah, that’s what I’ll do*

*Wait what’s that?*

*Something’s pushing on my crotch*

*Is something under the sand?*

*Is it a crab?*

*What should I do?*

*Should I get up?*

*Or should I let it pass?*

*Maybe I should – *

[With that last thought, Devo suddenly leaps to his feet, screaming in intense agony as apparently that crab, or whatever is was, did in fact decide to latch on to Devo’s, well… his little Tremor. Heads all over the beach turn and watch as he races across the sand in a deranged dance, holding tightly to his groin and yelling at the top of his lungs. All part of the Hawaiian experience, I guess.]

**** Ouch! That hurt just looking at it. Poor, guy. He never seems to catch a break. Oh well, better his nads than mine. So there you have it folks. Inside the psyche of a proud young superstar. Sort of. Point is, he’s apparently got a lot on his mind. And it looks like it all starts this Sunday. I wonder what he’s got in store. If I were Oswald and Schwahling, well, I probably wouldn’t be that afraid. But hey, you still can’t be too careful. With Devo, anything can happen, and usually does.

That does it for me. Gotta go reprimand that snotty Brackets Boy. Squirrelly little brat thinks he can cut in on my action. No chance. ****

[Screw you!]

**** Hey! That’s it. I’m gonna open up a whole mess of trouble on your adjective using ass, boyyyyyy! ****


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