(EDITOR’S NOTE – AS A CELEBRATION OF THE GLORIOUS VICTORY, WE’VE GIVEN DEVO’S NARRATOR THE NIGHT OFF. THE FOLLOWING POST WILL BE NARRATOR FREE.)
[Quick cut edit opens the shot. (Get those pansy “fade ins” outta here!) The who: Newly dubbed ” The Freshmaker” Devo Tremors and his buddy, interviewer extraordinaire Joe Hirono. The what: A post match interview. The when: Just after the completion of the main event. The where: Backstage at whatever the hell arena Tropical Storm was filmed at. The why: Because the boss says so. The how: A camera (stupid, do we have to spell out everything).]
(OH, AND DON’T GIVE ME ANY CRAP ABOUT THAT BEING NARRATION. IT’S NOT. IT’S DESCRIPTION. NARRATION’S THAT THING I DO WITH THE LITTLE STARS (****) ALL AROUND IT. THERE’S A DIFFERENCE. GET IN THE GAME, PEOPLE)
[Devo is a sweaty mess. His long blond hair is dripping in perspiration and is sticking to his face and head in several places. He is leaning up against the lockers, trying desperately to maintain balance. His head down, we see him wipe his face with his free hand a few times. The atmosphere is charged. I mean it, really pumped. There is total electricity in the air. You could see the look of anticipation on everybody’s face, that is, if there was anyone here other than Devo and Joe. But trust me, it’s there. Joe Hirono, mic in hand, attempts to turn Devo more towards the camera.]
Joe: [looking at the camera] Are we on?
[Apparently he gets the affirmative sign, because his face breaks into a wide, cheeseball sportscaster smile, and he puts his hand on Devo’s shoulder as he begins to speak. Devo looks spent.]
Joe: Aloha, everyone. We’re backstage here at… wherever the hell we are, after that amazing main event. We’re here with the victor, Devo Tremors, or should I say, “The Freshmaker” Devo Tremors. Devo, tell us, how does it feel to be victorious in your first HIW event?
Devo: [sporting a broad smile himself, although it’s hard to see through the mass of unruly hair] Feels great.
[Although his answer is a bit short, it appears he’s over the nervousness that plagued his initial interview with Hirono earlier in the week. Rather now he’s just an exhausted little man. His eyes are half-closed and for the remainder of the interview, he sways back and forth, seemingly moments away from total collapse. What a trooper.]
Joe: You seemed to really dominate in there. Did you ever think you’d be so successful in such an unusual type of match?
Devo: Well, I knew I’d have to give it my all, which is what I did.
Joe: What about teaming up with JC Ice in the earlier going? Was that a pre-planned attempt by the two of you, to try and take down the bigger Jay Murray?
Devo: No. It just seemed to make sense. So we did it.
Joe: I see. Tell us about the new look. “The Freshmaker”? How did that all come about?
Devo: [reaching back into his locker and pulling out a roll of Mentos, he pops one into his mouth] Well, I met this guy on the plane on the flight over, you know, and he told me to be successful, I needed like, a mentor. I wasn’t really sure what he meant until I landed here in Hawaii and saw these.
[He holds up the roll of Mentos to the camera. Somewhere, a light bulb goes off over the head of someone in marketing.]
Devo: So I bought some, and like, and I’ve been on a pretty steady diet ever since.
Joe: But surely, the man on the plane, he meant that you needed an older, experienced wrestler who could guide you and teach you the ropes. Isn’t that what a mentor truly is?
[This question seems to have blindsided Devo. His eyes, once struggling to stay open, are now wide and alert. The swaying in his motion stops. He stares blankly ahead for a long pause. Meanwhile, Joe Hirono looks back and forth between Devo and the camera, unsure what to do. Suddenly, Devo brings his right arm up and slams the ball of his hand into his forehead. He squints his eyes closed and bangs on his skull a few more times.]
Devo: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! I KNEW that! What was I THINKING? Oh my God, I must look like a loser.
Joe: [confused by the sudden change of mood] Uhh… what do you mean, Devo? This wasn’t just a marketing ploy?
Devo: [somewhat angry, mostly at himself] No! Christ, Joe, look at me. I’m wearing, like, pastel colored pants. Do YOU think that’s a wise career move? [he turns away from the camera] God, I am WICKED STUPID! Mentos. Aw man, I’m a fool. A grade-A fool. The guy said mentor. Why didn’t I get it? What’s wrong with me?
[By now, Joe is thoroughly out of his element. He looks at the camera a few more times with a sheepish “beats me” kind of grin. He gives a shrug of the shoulders and tries another question. Devo has basically spun in a circle as he berated himself, and is again facing the camera.]
Joe: Well, image aside, where do you think this leaves you in the HIW? With all the cruiserweight competition, I would think this puts you in prime position to be a force in the title picture, don’t you agree?
Devo: [now pretty much just whining] I don’t know. Look at me. I’m a laughingstock. Who cares where this leaves me. You know, I’m like, an embarrassment.
Joe: [suddenly taking on the tone of that little league coach who tried to keep you from crying when you struck out five times in one game. You know the type. Oh, like I’m the only one. Whatever.] Devo? Big guy? It’s alright. You’re not an embarrassment. You put on a great match. People were really impressed.
Devo: [looking up weakly through the mass of sweaty hair] Really? *sniff*
Joe: Yeah. Forget about the whole Mentos thing. Don’t let it get you down.
Devo: [cheering up] Okay. *sniff* I’ll try to put it behind me.
Joe: Great. [big sigh of relief] So what about the rest of the competition here in the HIW? Anyone you have your eyes on next?
Devo: [taken aback by the question] I don’t know what you’ve heard, Joe, but I’m like, not that way. I like girls.
Joe: [confused] Huh? [now getting it] Ohhhhh. No, no, Devo, I didn’t mean that way. I mean, is there anyone you’d like to face next?
[There is a bit of an awkward pause as Devo apparently tries to figure out how exactly it was that he misread the question, but gives up without ever really finding an answer.]
Devo: Not really. I think I’ll just let the booking committee do their job. You know, it’s only been one match. There’s a lot of wrestling ahead. You know?
Joe: What about the fans? Although they were a little confused by your initial appearance, they seemed to warm up a bit as the night went on. How does that make you feel?
Devo: Good I guess. I mean, were they really behind me? [a look of disappointment] I didn’t hear much.
Joe: Oh, sure. Heck, I thought I even heard a small “DEVO” chant out there. [looking to the cameraman] Isn’t that right, Danno?
Danno the Cameraman: Huh?…. Oh yeah! Sure sounded like it.
Joe: You see. They loved you.
Devo: Well then, that’s GREAT! You know, I’ve never really been like… well – liked! If the fans started getting behind me, well then, that would be like, the best.
Joe: [somewhat relieved that he’s got Devo’s spirits up, heads into more serious questions] Now what about that finishing maneuver? What was that? A corkscrew splash?
Devo: Yeah. I call it the Tremor Driller. You know, because it’s like, kinda like a drill.
Joe: I see. [read: no shit, Devo!] Where did you learn that? It’s a pretty risky, although very exciting move.
Devo: Well, it actually happened by accident. One time I was wrestling this chimp, you know, back when I was with the circus. Well, we used to do this bit where the chimp would wrap me up in a fire hose, and then he’d yank on it real hard, and I’d like, spin around real fast. Well, this one time the chimp kind of screwed up and tied me up when I was standing on top of this big pile of crates. So when he pulled on the hose, I spun out real quick and my momentum took me right off the crates and I came crashing down on him. So I thought, “wow, that would make a great move”. Took me a while, to like, you know, get the hang of it, but I finally did.
Joe: Incredible story, Devo. So one final question, then we’ll let you go. That looked to be a brutal match out there tonight. You took a lot of hard shots, like that low blow at the hands of JC Ice. [Devo winces at the thought, looking down longingly at his crotch] And Murray really came down hard on your back with those steel steps. Did the punishment have any effect on you? Was it as brutal as it looked?
Devo: [that weary look is back, not a good sign] Well, I’m not really sure, you see… [he starts weaving back and forth again, although this time much more drastically] I kinda think that maybe… [he shakes his head a couple of times as if trying to reset his mind] No, ma, I did my homework already. [his entire upper body starts spinning in a circular motion as if his body were a tornado].
Joe: Devo? Devo? Are you okay?
Devo: [raising his arms high above his head in a victorious stance] WE’RE DRIVING TO VEGAS! [*boom*, down he goes]
[With Devo’s now limp body passed out face first on the floor, Joe Hirono takes his cue to end the interview. Smart move, Joe.]
Joe: Well, folks, it looks like the little fella is all tuckered out. So for all of us here at the Paradise Network, this is Joe Hirono signing off. Aloha, everybody!
[Joe drops the mic to his side and hovers over Devo. He kicks him gently with the tip of his shoe. Devo doesn’t move.]
Joe: Uhhh, maybe we should get the doctor?
[He looks up at the camera and see it’s still on.]
Joe: And turn that thing off. We’re done with this one. You can book it, Danno.
[Quick drop to black. But again, the audio hangs on long enough for us to catch a few parting shots.]
Danno the Cameraman: Book it, Danno?
[And that, my friends, is all she wrote.]