**** Oh yeah. That’s the spot. Right there. A little to the left. Ahhhh. Perfect… Huh? What?… Oh, hi. What? You never saw a man rearrange furniture before? Hey, just because I’m nice enough to come out here a couple of times a week and give you the scoop on my main man Devo, that don’t mean I haven’t got other stuff to do. Yeesh.
Alright, sorry about that. To be honest, I never heard you click in. (ba-dum-bum!) Anyway, I guess you’re here to see Devo’s newest promo clip. See? Who am I kidding? Read. Oops, there I go again, breaking down that whole “suspension of disbelief” or whatever. Sorry, gang. It gets awfully lonely inside this screen. (ba-da-bing). Okay, enough with the bad lounge act humor. We’ve got important stuff to go over. So let’s get to it.
You’re here because of Devo. I know, I know, suddenly, he’s a hot item. Beats me why. That crazy New Yawka chick from IMaGE decided he was “What’s In”, and let me tell you something, it went straight to the little guy’s head. And word is people are expecting great things from him. At least, that’s the “common” opinion. All I can say is, let the boy do his thing. He’s liable to crush under the weight of all these expectations. I mean really, he’s not that big a guy.
So, again, down to business. Devo’s all primed for his first “real” promo shoot. So far, it’s been “on the go” kind of stuff, plus a couple of peeks behind the scenes, courtesy of you know who. So today, he’s hunkered down in a production studio. Going for the “serious interview” kind of feel. Hey, I’ve said all along that this kid ain’t that original. So with that, I’m gonna leave you. Roll film. ****
[A very dramatic slow fade up from black. Imagine if you will, a Piper’s Pit type of setting. Cheesy temporary walls in a V shape, spotted with some really old photos of wrestlers on them. We’re talking a young Bruno Sammartino, Lou Thesz – real relics. Two director’s chairs sit angled out towards the camera, although not directly face-on to it. In one chair, sits Devo Tremors. For once, his long blond hair is hanging loose, flowing down around his face and tucked behind his ears. Looks like he trimmed the sideburns a bit, too. He’s dressed in an “official” HIW Sunday Luau t-shirt, and a pair of black slacks. The sleeves on the t-shirt are rolled up, like was cool maybe 5 years ago. In the opposite chair sits Joe Hirono, HIW’s own “Johnny on the spot”. Who really cares about how he’s dressed? No sooner do we adjust to this picture than our view is interrupted by the sight of a scene marker. (**** Hmmm. Must be a rough cut. ****)]
Off-screen Voice: Devo Tremors promo clip number three, take one.
[The hands raise the top bar on the marker and slap it down with a loud *clack*.]
Joe: Aloha, everybody, I’m Joe Hir–
Devo: [interrupting] Clip number three? But this is my first one.
Another Off-screen Voice: Cut!
[Mikayla Rabinowitz, HIW personnel guru, steps into view from off to our left. She’s wearing a typical “woman of the 90’s” kind of power suit. You know, the kind with the blazer and the really short skirt, as if to say, “Hey, look at my ass, but one word about it and I’ll sue your lecherous butt!”]
Mikayla: Actually, Devo, this will be the third promo for you we’ve aired.
Devo: [whining] But I haven’t filmed any.
Mikayla: Well… you have and you haven’t. You see, one of them was that shoot we did when you arrived at the airport.
Devo: [thoroughly confused] But you said that was only for test purposes. You know, so the marketing people could have some footage of me to work with.
Mikayla: I know. But we had to use it in full because we needed to fill a time slot. You understand.
Devo: I guess. It wasn’t that bad… was it?
[There are assorted, “no, no” and “looked great” and “funny stuff” type comments heard from the crew.]
Devo: So what was the second one?
Mikayla: That * was* the second one.
Devo: Oh. [somewhat long pause as he does the math] So what was the first one?
Mikayla: [hesitantly] Do you remember that audition clip you sent us?
Devo: THAT?! You aired that?! That wasn’t even supposed to be sent in. The college student I hired to film it said he was gonna burn that tape. I couldn’t believe he sent it in. And now you’re telling me you, you,…. you AIRED IT?!
Mikayla: Now, Devo, calm down. I know you weren’t real happy with it, and maybe it didn’t portray you in a very favorable light, but it WAS one of the highest rated spots last week. The fans really seemed to go for it.
Devo: [who pulls an amazing emotional 180] Really?
Mikayla: Yes. So there’s nothing to worry about. Now, can we continue?
[Mikayla disappears off-screen and we hear the off-screen voice (The second off-screen voice, not the first off-screen voice. You see, there is a big difference between the first off-screen voice and the second off-screen voice. It might be subtle to your ears, but to a trained professional, it’s quite clear.) say “give me a mark”. Then the hands with the marker appear again. Now, the hands belong to the first off-screen voice, not the… anyway. The hands slap the marker down (you know, with a *clack*).]
1st Off-screen Voice: Devo Tremors promo clip number three, take two.
2nd Off-screen Voice: And… action!
Joe: Aloha everybody, I’m Joe Hirono alongside one of the HIW’s newest sensations, Devo Tremors. Devo, thanks for coming on board to talk with us today.
Devo: [with a slightly panicked look on his face, begins speaking in a very robotic, stiff tone] Thanks – for – having – me – …. um – Joe.
Joe: Well, here we are just days away from your very first match, a main event triple-threat match against “The Prism” Jay Murray, and a fellow cruiserweight, “Cold Front” JC Ice. How do you feel about debuting under such a spotlight?
Devo: Well – Joe – I really – don’t know – what to tell you.
Joe: [confused by his guest’s rather lackluster answer] I see. So do you think you have a good chance going up against two solid opponents like Murray and Ice?
Devo: I – sure hope so – ….Joe.
Joe: [see, see the frustration mount] Okay. What about the fact that the HIW is now part of the prestigious NWC? Do you envision a run at the legendary J-Crown any time in your future?
Devo: Boy – that would be – great. – I – don’t know – though – Joe. – It may be – a little early… [pause] …for that.
Joe: You don’t say? So, Devo, tell us about your background. Your bio says you used to work in the circus. Is this true?
Joe: [leaning in to Devo, as if expecting more] …and would you care to *elaborate* on that?
Devo: Sure. I wrestled – with chimps. – They called me – Samu – the chimp – wrestler.
Joe: Is that where you learned all those high flying moves we’ve heard so much about?
Devo: I – guess.
Joe: You guess. [taking it upon himself to cut this bomb of an interview a weeee bit short] Well, folks, that appears to be all the time we have for today. I want to thank our guest, the deeply engaging Devo Tremors. He makes his debut this Thursday on the Paradise Network, on Tropical Storm. Be sure to check it out. Until then, this is Joe Hirono saying, Aloha, everybody!
[Joe flashes a big toothy grin at the camera while Devo sits rather pathetically still. They hold their poses for a few moments until they’re given the signal.]
2nd Off-screen Voice: Cut! That’s a wrap.
[The film keeps rolling. That camera man is one shrewd fellow. He knows something good might be coming, so he’s not gonna miss it. Or, he’s a moron and forgot to shut the tape off. Joe immediately drops his smile and turns to Devo with an exasperated look. Devo just smiles in a sheepish way and Joe throws up his hands in disgust.]
Joe: Great Volcano Gods, boy, what happened to you? I get more answers talking into my mai-tai.
Devo: Sorry, I guess I was nervous.
Joe: Nervous? No, no, no. Guys who are about to lose their virginity are nervous. You’re a tiki figure up there. [he begins to walk away] I swear, I don’t know why I took this job. Nothin but egomaniacs and morons… [his speech continues to fade out as he walks away]
Mikayla: [appearing from the left again] Well, Devo, that certainly was… interesting.
Devo: You don’t think I came across, like, too stiff, do ya?
Mikayla: [avoiding the question] Well, why don’t we see when the finished product looks like. It’s so hard to tell right afterwards.
[Just then, a really goofy looking crew guy walks over to Devo. He’s a native Hawaiian, with a bad bowl cut hairdo and the nastiest set of buck teeth this side of the Mississippi. Might even be cross-eyed too, although that would be too cruel.]
Dork: Pardon me, Mithter Tremors. Could I have yo auto – graph? [there is a loud sucking sound as he corrals all the saliva generated by those massive choppers]
[Another pause while these two stare at each other. Devo waiting for the man to produce a paper, a pen, anything for him to write with or on, the Dork waiting for God knows what.]
Devo: Do you have something, you know, that I can write with?
Dork: Oh, yeah. Huh. Here you are.
[He pulls out a wrinkled up program from Sunday night’s debut Luau. Reaching into his hair, he pulls a pen out from apparently behind his ear, although it was unseen until now.]
Dork: Could you make that out to, Jack… Lord.
Devo: [oblivious] Sure.
Dork: My parenth were big fanth.
Devo: Really? Of what?
Dork: The TV show.
Devo: What TV show?
Dork: Hawaii five-oh.
[Devo finishes his rather elaborate scrawl and sends the freak on his way. From off camera we hear yet a third off-screen voice (don’t worry, I won’t go there) say “Oh, shit, did I leave that thing on”. I guess the cameraman was just a moron. In a second, the screen goes blank. The audio hangs around long enough for us to hear Devo one last time.]
Devo: Wow, my first autograph. Pretty soon, I’ll be giving these away.
**** And thus, in a cloud of confusion, we are gone. Well, *we’re* not gone. We’re still here. But you get my meaning. Boy, that was a bit of a rough one. Devo had what we like to call, “a little setback” with that last piece. But, hey, it was bound to happen. The good news is, his first match is only days away and he is more than ready. So I’m not gonna stand around here and waste any more time. I got furniture to move. As for Devo, well, you’ll just have to tune into Tropical Storm to find out. Later, all. ****